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“You’ve Changed”

Every YouTuber gets this comment at some point in their career, I’m sure: the dreaded “you’ve changed” critiques. Over the past year or two, I’ve been getting this comment every now and then. Today I wanted to sit down and write a little bit of a personal post for you, to tell you about how I’ve changed (because I know I have), and why.

Let’s start by stating the obvious. I started making YouTube videos when I was 15 years old, in the height of puberty, the age at which you’re often lost, looking for your identity and place in the world. You guys caught me just at the end of my gothic and fantasy-obsession phase, then saw me though my brief Japan-craze, and then witnessed as I slowly calmed down and became more neutral, toned-down, and comfortable with the “mainstream world”, I guess you could say. You’ve seen me grow from an anxty teen into a much more stable and confident young lady.

If you read my story of how I experienced high school, you might understand a little bit better why I changed and why I’m happy about it. Like I mentioned in that post, I’d started out a very naive person, and went through a lot of disillusionment in my teens. I felt like I could finally see the world for what it really was, without the “goodness filter” that’s held before a child’s eyes, and I wasn’t happy about what I was seeing at all. My peers went about spending their teenage years and exploring the world in a completely different way than I was comfortable with, and I decided pretty soon that I didn’t want to be part of popular culture.

However, it’s human nature to want to belong somewhere. Have a group of people to call your own. Something to associate with and reflect on. As much as I wanted to not be part of the mainstream, I found it hard to reject everything and be completely alone. Imagine my relief and happiness when I discovered the world of fantasy, and the subculture that comes with it. I’d finally found a group of people just like me, that shared my interests, beliefs, style, everything! And since I didn’t have these people directly around me, I started visiting gothic & fantasy festivals religiously.

I was so happy to have found “my people”, that I completely threw myself into this world. I lived and breathed fantasy, neofolk, romantic goth, and everything to do with it. It was my new comfort zone, my base, my starting point. And of course that had to shine through in my videos. The lifestyle practically oozed out of my pores, and although if you look back, I didn’t make that many outright fantasy-themed videos back than either at all, my whole air of fantasy-ness must have been what attracted a lot of like-minded viewers.

However, as time progressed, I slowly learned to accept the world and society for what it is, and accept that I’m going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. I grew tired of being loudly and obviously against everything, I grew tired of having walls up all the time against random insults from strangers on the street, tired of always attracting unwanted attention, tired of feeling defensive, negative and resentful all the time. I learned to live my own life, according to my own values, but along with society, not against it.

My hormones subdued, puberty ended, and I didn’t feel the need to express myself so intrusively anymore. Who I am is my own thing, and nobody has anything to do with that. The way I dress won’t change who I am, and to be completely honest, it’s so much easier to look “normal” and not have to fight battles every single day. I got lazy. Something that may also have contributed is that the search for “my people” ended. I’d found my main person, Robbert, and in uni I found a bunch of like-minded people that shared my views and interests. I wasn’t looking for connections through clothing anymore, I’d found all the connections I needed.

As I stopped clinging to the goth & fantasy world so desperately, I rediscovered old hobbies and interests that I’d had before the big disillusionment. As a kid I used to love glitter and glamour, everything pink, playing classy and ladylike. That’s not something new, it’s something that’s at my core. It was there before the goth & fantasy, but I’d rejected it for being too “mainstream”. Now I’m comfortable with it once again, and after having read all of this, I hope you understand why I’m less comfortable with what you guys call the “old Loepsie”.

“Old Loepsie” wasn’t in too good of a place, was hiding from the world and needed a safe spot for comfort. I still love fantasy now, I still like the music I used to like and the books, poetry and art that I used to love. It’s just that now, it’s not the only nor most important thing in my life anymore. I don’t need it to be. I’ve become reacquainted with the aspects of myself and my interests. I’m more emotionally stable, comfortable and rounded now. That’s why it always does hurtΒ me a little bit when someone says they liked Old Loepsie better. She may have been more interesting and unique, but I like New Loepsie better myself. I feel better within my own skin and I feel better withing this world.

As time progresses, I’m sure I will continue to change and develop. It’s only a natural process, and I consider it a positive one, certainly in my case. I know people that comment how much I’ve changed probably don’t mean to hurt me and it shouldn’t affect much at all, but maybe now you understand a little bit better what happened over the past few years, why I used to be who I used to be and why I’ve changed.

Also, thank you for supporting me. For watching me go through all my phases and watching me grow up. Thank you for still being here now that I have grown up, and thank you for always being supportive of my work and me personally. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.


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45 thoughts on ““You’ve Changed””

  1. Being somewhat of an introvert I normally do not comment but I feel that on this one I should.
    First off, it is your right to be the person you want to be as long as it does not harm others. And “not being predictable” is not being harmful.
    Secondly I think that you have not “changed”. You have – as you rightly say – developed. The first video I saw was your Arwen make up video in which you are very well-spoken, helpful, resourceful and creative. If at all you have become more so, more open, more cheerful and expressive of what has always been essentially you. And that is very nice to see – whether it is in a hair care video, make up tutorial, tea favourites, or your everyday life. The list goes on (which is also something that distinguishes you from so many – you are very unique).
    And the fact that the subjects themselves change is due to a changing world – one simply cannot make e.g. lotr-based hair tutorials for years – and after all, the saying “variatio delectat” comprises the age-old truth that the world craves novelty. How should anyone do and be always “the same old” and simultaneously create? There is a difference between someone being a whole new person and someone who has – as one does – multiple facets which make up one’s personality that do not really change with time but rather compose a slightly different picture – like a caleidoscope. The fact that you are willing to show us these new pictures and not hide behind an ever constant, nay stagnant! persona is all the more reason to keep watching to see what tomorrow will bring, safe in the knowledge that it will be will be something like today – just delightfully unlike πŸ™‚
    Keep up the good work!

  2. I have been a fan for maybe 3 years. The first video I saw was your Egyptian tutorial, so I never experienced your teen videos. I have noticed you mature into a lovely lady, and I have thought that mentally several times, but never commented on the change. The only change I would like to comment on is your video content which does seem to be slowly eroding in term of interesting content. Sometimes I see you come up in my feed, and I kinda struggle with whether I should click to see if the content is interesting today. I think you should have more subbies, and if this is your career of choice, you should really put more effort into content ideas. More “cool” tuts please!

  3. Hi Lucy,
    I loved this post! I think a lot of people go through this sort of change but only the wise ones can truly understand it as you have.
    I first found your channel 3 or 4 years ago and I think your slow and steady change really does show how you’ve grown up and how you have grown into who you are. I have seen other youtubers change and some of them don’t go through quite the same evolution so I can see why some viewers would be upset by it.
    However, I think you have grown into yourself so gracefully that I honestly don’t really remember the old Loepsie. I just think of you! The sweet, lovely, and talented girl who I tell people is my friend who lives in the Netherlands. πŸ™‚ (ps sorry if that sounds creepy)
    I too grew up with similar struggles of finding myself and finding the right friends. I sometimes think back on my past self and wonder where she went and why the things that were important to her aren’t important anymore. But like you said, there is something so nice about being comfortable with yourself and not worrying about pleasing everyone else. I think as you grow up, you start to realize “what” and “who” is really important and when you do, life becomes so much more enjoyable! Its so freeing to be unapologetically “you.”
    Thank you for the reminder. πŸ™‚

  4. I have no words to say…

    I can’t understand why people sais that kind of things. You’re the owner of your channel, you do what you want. If I like I’ll keep watching your videos, if not, I’ll unsubscribe. They don’t understand that their words can hurt… It’s sad.

    You were one of my first suscriptions, and I think I have evolved like you. I still love your videos and your lifestyle. Nowadays you are the only youtuber I really “follow”, as I watch all your videos. STAY STRONG AND KEEP GOING PLEASE <3

  5. I had this strong phase of (passionately) rejecting ”popular culture” just for the sake of being popular. After some years I realized that rejecting something just because it’s ”popular/mainstream” is as mindless as embracing it just because it’s popular/mainstream. However, I felt that you have always been impressively mature and grounded, even at those emotionally overwhelming years of adolescence. You offered your own easthetic perspective, but you always knew that this is just a perspective and not some global or indisputable ideal. I remember phrases such as ”in my world the line between costume and casual is very thin”; I felt that you were modestly and daringly offering your take on fashion, but you were able to see it through humour and distanciation and be respectful of other people’s perspectives. You always had and always will have a very strong personality, and that is because you are a thinker and not a person who mindlessly follows. You are as special and unique as you were back then.

    I love you very much and you’re a real role model to me, even though I’m older than you! πŸ™‚

  6. Hi Lucy! I have been watching your videos for a long time like a lot of people here. I think people are mistaking “change” for being more comfortable with who you are. You don’t feel the need to dress differently or anything. I am only 16 but I know exactly what you meant. When I was 13-15 I went through a lot of the “phases” that you did. Japanese craziness, medieval-fantasy type, etc and this post really helped to open my eyes. I just hope you still want to make videos about things like GoT, medieval hairstyles, etc. You shouldn’t have to make videos based on what everyone else is making. That’s probably what people mean by “changing.” They liked your unique style. I think of you as a beauty guru with a natural, inner beauty that is very raw and genuine. I get so excited every time you post a video & I wanted to thank you for being so dedicated to Youtube. xo

  7. Let’s face it: Under the “new glam Loepsie” the “old Loepsie” still alive!! you’re more focused and grounded, I know you still like the old things you used to read, listen, etc., because I feel the same way! when I was a teen I had my Avril Lavigne “sk8er” phase, then I changed. It’s normal. I like to think about my teen years and all the fun it involved to be a “sk8er girl” but I like the person I’ve become and now I still struggle to face people. I was very shy, still, but less than I used to be. When I read your story I can relate so much, I was an outcast. What I still don’t get is why people is rude or mean, I’m 24 now and still struggle with some “social” issues but I became more open…mostly like you say, trying to live along society, but sometimes it’s hard, specially in workfield.

  8. I commented once about your “change”. It was an answer to a “I prefer old loepsie”-comment. What I wrote wasn’t exactly mean or the like but I definitely stated that you were now “oh so professional” and your content was somewhat “empty”. To be honest: I was (and still am a bit) jealous about how you live your life. It seems so wonderful and I’m sitting here, not even knowing where I’ll be next week. Ok, that is overdramatic.. I’ll still be sitting here next week.. still not knowing what I want out of life.. I mean I haven’t figured out the solution to my teenager-where-is-my-place-in-society-problem yet. I’ve also had a brief episoded where I thought I should dress normal but I just decided I’m back into my “grunge” style. Well, whatever..
    Though I sometimes still miss a tiny bit more depth in some of your posts the fact that you started to upload vlogs weekly helped me to see all the work that you do. You seem so cheerfull and I love seeing you enjoying your work.
    I thought quite often about sending a personal message to you about this topic because I felt so ashamed for being jealous. So thank you for this post. Finally I got to say these things to you.. please don’t mind this being slightly offtopic.. πŸ˜€
    Oh, and I’m still jealous but in a good way I think because I don’t feel bad about it anymore. You’re more like an idol to me now (that sounds so fangirly, hue). One more time I thank you for being you! πŸ™‚

  9. Hi Loepsie!! I don’t know how you used to be because I have been only following your channel for half a year or so. I subscribed your channel because your videos are made for the everyday normal kind of girl instead of the over the top ones that sometimes are so popular. It shows a maturity beyond your years, maturity I think that you have because you’ve been through many phases in your upbringing that lead to where you are now. Old Loepsie and new loepsie are all part of the unique and amazing Loepsie. Kisses!!

  10. I’ve only been around for about a year, but I really dig how you combine more ‘mainstream’ stuff with your own unique style and it’s good to read how you’ve become comfortable with that πŸ™‚ A lot of your interests and personality shine through in your videos and blog posts and that’s awesome, I love seeing people do their own thing!

  11. Anyone who expects someone to not change at all throughout their teenage years and twenties is out of their mind, I just don’t understand why so many people think it’s okay to blame youtube creators for being a regular person. You were 15 when you started making videos! Back then I had just left my punk phase and transitioned into straight edge, only to leave behind me after I found nerdfighteria – which I’ve now also more or less left. Just like you I was constantly searching for my people, for somewhere to belong. I did find that place several times, but as i grew older and learned more about the world and myself, my views and my interests changed. I think it’s just a sign of maturity to be comfortable with all or most sides of your personality and not having to just push one of it all the time. You’re still the same person, you still like Fantasy, but it is oh so perfectly okay to no want to express that passion all the time – especially when it gets exhausting due to others’ reactions. That doesn’t devalue your love for it in any way.
    I think the rejection of mainstream pink and glitter also often kinda goes hand in hand with many girls growing up only to reject anything “girly” due to the perceived inferiority of femininity in society. Up until… 6 years? ago I hated pink and make-up, and I often enough trash talked girls I deemed to obsessed with their looks. Yet I recently found pictures of myself as a little girl with pink nail polish on, something I’d have denied if I wouldn’t have proof.
    I’ve learned so much since then and I have changed. Change is good, without change there wouldn’t be any improvement. I am so glad you a way to be comfortable with yourself and your place in the world.

  12. Hi Lucy, I’m the same age as you and have been watching your videos for nearly 4 years! I think that it’s not really about “change”, but growth. I related to you in so many ways, but somewhere along the way I thought you’d “changed” too much and become too “mainstream” and I unsubbed :(. Seems I had my own growth to do and now I again relate to you in so many ways. I’ve come to realise that people are so much more than their labels (mainstream or not, popular or not, etc.) and can actually have many contradictions. For example, I’ve always loved climbing, hiking and things like that and I repressed the side of me that was interested in beauty/hair/makeup because I thought it was shallow. Gradually I realised that I can embrace all sides of me, even if they might seem contradictory πŸ™‚
    You are to date the only YouTuber that I feel I can truly relate to, you are so authentic. I want to say “don’t ever change” but what I mean is “don’t ever stop being genuine”. You are just growing into a more complex and sophisticated version of yourself, not changing.
    I hope this wasn’t too philosophical xD definitely never unsubscribing again.

  13. Hey Lucy,
    the first video of yours which I saw was an Amy Lee inspired tutorial (even though my Evanescence phase was already over at that point, haha) and I’ve been following you ever since, I just rarely comment – my, that sounds so creepy. xD And of course you did change as we all do. I don’t understand why you received negative comments about it. Personally, I can relate to you better now than I did before and in my opinion you come across a lot happier more positive than in your teenage years just like you stated in this blogpost. Wouldn’t it be uncanny if someone got stuck in the midst of puberty, all awkward and rebellious?
    Long story short: Don’t worry, there are people who think that growing up is a normal and healthy thing. πŸ˜‰

  14. I’m glad you addressed this, Lucy. I feel like I’ve been seeing a lot of those comments lately, and they were making even me uncomfortable when I saw them (even though I had no right to be uncomfortable.)

    People change and grow, that’s a fact, and I feel it’s almost always for a positive reason. I think people usually change because they like the changes that are happening! Those comments made me uncomfortable because you just seem so happy and carefree now–about yourself, about the content on your channel, everything!

    Also, if I may say, I definitely feel you’ve handled the whole “being on YouTube while finding yourself” thing better than most people ever could. I cringe at the idea of fifteen-year-old me making any kind of conspicuous mark on the internet! (I’ve changed, too, and definitely for the better. I challenge anyone to look at their fifteen-year-old self and say they haven’t changed!)

    1. Thanks for the compliment, Katie. Looking back, I’m glad I always went for a certain degree of “personal professionalism” online, it makes looking back at 15-year-old Loepsie way less awkward, haha!

  15. Of course you changed ! I don’t know why most people consider changing a bad thing. Of course we’re not the same as when we were teenagers. And that’s really good.

    As MaΓ―thΓ© said, by trying to be absolutely against the mainstream and the “herd”, people who think they’re original end up looking all the same – and not themselves.
    So, cheers for being who we really are and being ok with it ! πŸ˜€

      1. Simple : I would be miserable and I would have never met my current friends.
        But to be fair, I wasn’t trying to be different at the time because I was a “freak” to begin with, I just wanted to be part of the crowd.

  16. Change is part of life. We grow and develop into the person we are going to be for the majority of our adulthood. I went through a similar situation where I needed validation from those around me, but now I don’t need it anymore. I am satisfied with the person I am and what my significant other feels. I grew as a person and have become more emotionally stable as well! In the end, everything changes and it’s definetely a natural process.

    I only started watching your videos this summer and you are a very interesting and mature individual! Keep up the good work! =]

  17. I think you are much more unique right now than you were in your goth-phase. Some people refuse the “herd” so much that they enter an “anti-herd” herd, without realizing that they only changed sides but still can’t think by themselves. That’s okay, it’s a part of our growing process. But some people go back to the herd, some people stay in the anti-herd and some people learn to think by themselves. You did that last thing and you managed to wonderfully mix these two parts of society.

    What I first loved about your videos was that you talked about these “mainstream” and “girly” stuff in such a magical way, so sweet and so endearing. I frequently find these kind of videos very tiring and plastic, not for their subject but for how it is approached. But with you, I always find it interesting, even if I won’t try that particular hairstyle or makeup look. Sometimes I just want to see your approach and enjoy your happy and energetic vibes.

    You seem such a spirited yet authentic person that it is a pleasure watching your videos. And if you evolve and change, I won’t care, I just hope it is for even better!

    1. Yes!! I remember being very shocked, annoyed and disappointed sometimes when I’d see typical herd behaviour in subculture people. It was frustrating to watch and brought upon more disillusionment, but through all of it I just learned a lot about people and myself.
      Thank you so much for your sweet comment, MaΓ―thΓ© <3

  18. <33 // Yes tbh evolving and changing is part of growing up, sometimes most people don't understand that. I remember the first video I watched from you (cut your own bangs) I was so happy to discover a more "fantasy" youtuber it was so rare. But you got out of your shell too and I'm very proud to have witness this journey because your audience (I feel like I 've changed from my teen self a lot) changed with you. And it's okay. Absolutely okay. It's not altering who you are , it's just broadening your vision of life, your interests and yes it still makes you. <3

  19. Hey! I’ve been watching from the beginning and I’ve definitely noticed a change but, as so many people have said, if you went chbagung and growing that would be a bad thing. I am happy that you have gotten through some difficult stages and are confident and comfortable in who you are now.

    I too love fantasy and Japanese culture but in the same way as you do now I don’t feel the need to shout it to the world. I dress up for Renaissance festivals and sing songs in Japanese but it’s not my goal to draw attention to myself. My one rule for myself is: be classy with your fandoms. I live my love of these things quietly because I love them, not because I want attention from others.

    Your videos always make me happy and I am so thankful that you are still making them and writing these posts:)

    Love you lots and lots!!!

    1. Hey Lili! Wow, you’ve been with me for a very long time, then! Thanks for still being here, and thanks for your support. It means a lot to me! <3

  20. Wow, Lucy, I was wondering just yesterday, if you still like the same music. Yay, you answered it! πŸ˜€

    Great post, thank you for sharing this with us! I loved old Loepsie, inbetween Loepsie, and I love new Loepsie even more. Most probably future Loepsie too πŸ˜‰

    1. Haha! I don’t really seek new music out anymore (I usually just turn on the radio or a Spotify playlist), but I definitely still like the stuff I used to πŸ™‚ <3

  21. Hello Lucy πŸ™‚ I only began watching your channel about a year ago, but I definitely get what you mean by this post, and I’m glad you wrote it. My teenage years were very similar to the way you just described yours when it came to interests and yearning for a like-minded crowd – unfortunately there weren’t any fantasy festivals for me to attend :-P. Like many, I found you through a fantasy-related tutorial but subscribed when I saw how comfortable you seemed with yourself in your more recent videos and the positivity that shines through them. In the past year or so, watching your videos and other similar YouTubers have helped me reach a much more positive and healthier place, so I think it’s awesome that you feel confident enough in yourself to not be afraid of changing and embracing whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
    We all go through “awkward” phases in our teenage years, but that doesn’t mean that when grow out of them that the phases are no longer part of us, or that our personalities before/after the phases are “fake” in any sense. A lot of people don’t seem to get that – especially when the phases happened to be goth or similar “outcast” types.

    Sorry for the long comment, but just wanted to somehow show my thanks for being yourself and that most (I hope) of us are happy that you’ve reached better places, regardless of any changes that may have happened πŸ™‚ .

    1. Thank you Jihane, you made a good point there with the “fakeness”! I agree people often don’t realise that all aspects of a person can be real, no matter how contradictory they are πŸ™‚

  22. I’m so happy for you. I thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope you have a wonderful week. Love and blessings from Harrisonburg, Virginia, USA.

  23. You know what? You’re right. It would’ve been a shame if you wouldn’t have grown over the years. Everybody grows. I liked the old Loepsie but for her tutorials and her quirkiness. The new Loepsie still has those things so I am sticking around. One part of you does not need to define you unless you let it. You’ve decided you are not going to let it (anymore) so cheers and happy Monday!

  24. I simply want to cyber-hug you.
    I feel happy to read this post and happy to hear that you are happy with your own skin, and I’m also happy with who you are, and I am so happy that I get to learn from you so many things about life, and I am also happy just because.

    Gah, I can relate to you so much that I feel like I have created this one-sided sisterly relationship with you over the years, crazy huh.
    Not sure if I have reached the stable point in my life, I can’t figure myself out. But I am glad to have seen you develop. Somehow you always remind me to celebrate life.

    Let me finish with a quote from Tom Bombadil:
    “Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!”

    1. Aww, cyber-hug back! Thank you so much for your sweet comment πŸ™‚
      Relationships with internet people are the strangest thing, I cry over pregnancy and engagement announcements of people who don’t even know I exist. But it’s wonderful at the same time ^-^
      You’ll figure yourself out at some point I’m sure, and until then, enjoy where you are now πŸ™‚
      Ring a dong! hop along! Fal lal the willow!

  25. I have watched your videos for a long time now and I’ve enjoyed watching you grow. It’s like watching a family friend go through the phases of their life. As much as I was attracted to the “darker” Loepsie, I truly love seeing you so happy and comfortable. You also still stick with the core theme of your channel, teaching about beauty. Yes you’ve changed. But you are meant to. Great article and here’s to more change in the future πŸ™‚

  26. You’re right to say that the “fantasy” aspect attracted me first to your channel some six years ago. But as I learned about your life and saw how you changed and became visibly more comfortable with yourself, so did I.
    I am so grateful for having this support while growing up, and though I only recently turned eighteen, I learned so much from you about handling the world.
    Thank you for making your videos, you have no idea how much they’ve helped me!

    Love, Veerle

    1. Veerle, it means so much to me to hear that. I’m very happy I could be of help to you, you sound like a wonderful young lady πŸ™‚ Thank you for sticking with me and thank you for writing this comment, it really means a lot <3

  27. If you aren’t changing you aren’t living life. It is simply impossible to stay the same. With that being said, you are a lovely young woman. I love watching your videos. Your attitude is infectious. If I’m not in good spirits before watching your videos I certainly am afterwards. Thank you for being you!

  28. Hello, Lucy! Thank you for being so open and honest with us. It is true that you have changed throughout the years on YouTube, but that is only natural. You have grown as a person, and I really respect you for that. It’s also great that you’ve become stronger and more stable as a result. I really admire how creative and genuine you are.

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