We’re living in the age of serial dating. Company is just a quick swipe away, and with an endless database of potential partners to choose from it’s easier than ever to find exactly who you’re looking for. Or so it seems.
I feel like we have higher expectations from parners now than ever. With countless options at our fingertips, my generation isn’t willing to settle for anything less than perfect. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully encourage everyone to look for someone who’s a good match all around. But sometimes I wonder whether anyone can live up to these expectations at all.
You can’t expect to find Prince Charming when you’re not a fairytale princess. I know I’m certainly not. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get grumpy when you’re hungry. You’ll wake up sometimes and feel like staying in bed all day. You’ll ugly cry over silly things, you’ll think you know best, and you’ll stop shaving your legs in winter. A good partner probably won’t mind those things, but it does mean you might want to cut him some slack, too.
The perfect man doesn’t exist, the perfect woman doesn’t exist, and the perfect relationship doesn’t exist. You’re bound to disagree on some things, sooner or later. You might disagree on many things. You might get quite heated over those disagreements, and start to wonder what’s wrong because this isn’t what love should be like. He might not do the right thing at the right time, or he might even do the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Even when you thought you were a perfect match, one day you’ll find out he can’t actually read your mind and you’ll be disappointed over it. You’ll know you should’ve known. There will be someone he’s close to who you won’t particularly like. You’ll find out he leaves the kitchen drawers open and drinks out of the milk carton. You’ll give in to your desire to watch chickflicks on Netflix all Sunday, regularly. One of you will get jealous and the other will feel it’s unjustified. One day, you’ll look at him and realise in horror you’re actually kind of bored with him.
If we’re to believe movies, books and social media, there are Prince Charming’s everywhere and everyone but you has already found theirs. The way relationships are portrayed is lovely, romantic, and great to give you butterflies in your stomach. I personally love indulging in this type of entertainment and shed a tear at the sheer beauty and perfection of it all. But it’s so, so important to realise that no relationship is perfect. In a life-long relationship, you’re likely to fall in and out of love a few times. You’ll annoy each other, you won’t always have the solution to each other’s problems. You’ll be disappointed. But you’ll also surprise each other. There will be moments of movie magic between the two of you. You’ll be each other’s safety net, a pair of arms to hide in when things get tough. Don’t be too quick to throw away something great, in hopes of finding something even better.
As long you treat each other with respect, communicate openly, do your best to be empathetic and kind, and choose to have each other in your lives, that’s a wonderful basis for love and you can count yourself lucky. Long term love is very different from a crush or the first honeymoon phase. It’s security, dedication, companionship, commitment, and it takes work and active participation from both parties.
To keep the bond strong, thank each other and compliment each other. Spend quality time, just the two of you. Get out of your everyday routine, even if just for an evening. Help each other when help is needed, and when it’s not. Apologise when you’ve wronged each other. Lift each other up and encourage each other to be better. But focus less on perfection and love the other as they are.
Lucy, long time follower here. I have been thinking about this wonderful piece you wrote for weeks! I have a lot of appreciation for my boyfriend and agree so much with the sentiment of this post. I love your balanced views on the world; you’re so mature and thoughtful. My partner and I have been together for five years, and we have our two pets and a home together. Our relationship has been very tumultuous, but we worked through a lot of difficult things and are stronger now than ever before.
However, one of the things that still holds me back greatly from feeling sure that our relationship is a great one for both of us is our incompatibility in lifestyles. One of the reasons I enjoy your blog and your videos so much (and have for many years) is because I enjoy organization and neatness. That’s a very important part of my life. I grew up with a very messy mother and sister, and my room was always my place of peace, everything clean and orderly and in its place. I couldn’t WAIT to get my own place one day, and I vowed I’d always keep it nice for myself. Well, circumstances made it so that I had to basically jump from living with an angry step-parent to living with my boyfriend before I had even finished uni. I feel like I never got to have my own home (which makes me sad sometimes), and though I do love sharing a home with my partner, his messiness drives me crazy. The first few years, I just relaxed and tried to live around his ways. But it really stressed me out and messed with my own sense of peace. Finally, a year ago, I made the home my own, making sure to respect his needs, but making it clear I need basic neatness. Well, for all of his wonderful qualities (and there are so man), “neatness” is just not the way he works. He leaves things scattered everywhere, he puts dishes next to the sink, not in it, and everything he does basically causes a small or large mess which I then either have to ask him to clean up or just save myself the trouble and do it myself. It really causes a strain in my life and on our relationship.
I realize I probably need to get us into couples therapy or something instead of commenting on your post, but I am just tired of trying to talk it out and fix it at home. He is doing his best, but I guess his best is just not quite good enough for my idea of a nice home. And I feel I am constantly fighting a losing battle trying to keep our home looking somewhat decent, and I am honestly beginning to feel resentful of him because I have to do so much work. I wonder if this incompatibility will make our relationship impossible. I sure hope not :-(
Thank you for this post. Sorry to dump my thoughts here, but I appreciate how your posts always ignite many thoughts in my own life! If you have any advice to offer, I would always appreciate it, but I also understand if this is too heavy or personal to address here. Take care, and I look forward to your next post / video as always :-)
I’m sorry to hear that! I can underdtand very well though, this is one of the things that caused the break between me and my roommate when I first moved out. My advice (and my way of dealing with any relationship problem) is always to just have a good, long, honest conversation about it. Lay everything out on the table, tell him you’re conflicted because you feel like this affects you more than it should, but it’s what you’re experiencing anyway. Explain exactly what it is you’re feeling, even if he can’t understand, maybe he can empathise (or vice versa). Tell him that you’re horrified to notice this is starting to put a strain on your relationship and that that’s the last thing you want. Tell him you want to work this out no matter what and ask him to help you find a way to make the situation work for both of you. Honesty is always best, imo. Therapy doesn’t sound like a bad idea either, but make sure he’s ok with it too of course :) Best of luck! ❤
Lucy, you are such a sweet person! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my message, and doing it so kindly and thoughtfully. I never got an email notifying me that you responded, so I apologise for the late response. Your advice is so grounded and honest, and I really appreciate it. I will follow your work for as long as you are willing to share it :-) Thank you again <3
I absolutely love this. Very wise and well-written. Thank you, Lucy.
So inspiring and relieving.. You are really talented.
this is the BEST POST EVER!!!
♥ ♥ ♥
Yes! :) I would also add that everything you say about your partner when they aren’t there (to family, friends, children, Facebook…) is reflected in your attitude toward them, so joking about them or belittling them damages your relationship even if your partner never hears it. But complimenting them privately to others? That makes your own heart shine. :)